Unlocking Healing: How Building Emotional Vocabulary Strengthens Relationships

by: GGC Clinician Crystal McDonald

The Feelings Wheel: A Tool to Navigate & Expand Talking About Emotions in Disagreements.

Emotional trauma, especially in relationships, can leave people feeling confused, unheard, or distant from their own feelings. If you have experienced emotional trauma, expressing your needs and wants during disagreements with a partner can feel really tough. When people struggle to express how they feel, it can make arguments worse, lead to misunderstandings, and create feelings of frustration or helplessness. One way to fix this problem is by building an emotional vocabulary—this means learning how to recognize, name, and share your feelings clearly. This skill can help improve communication and create healthier conversations during tough times.

Emotional Vocabulary is Important to Healing After Trauma

Emotional trauma refers to the lasting emotional pain that comes from deeply distressing or overwhelming experiences, such as abuse, neglect, loss, or violence. These events can leave a person feeling fearful, anxious, or disconnected from their emotions, making it difficult to express how they feel. For many people, especially those who have experienced emotional trauma, words like “angry,” “sad,” or “upset” become the default way to describe their emotions. While these words are common, they can be too broad and don't fully capture the depth of what someone is going through. When someone uses vague terms to describe their feelings, it’s harder to explain their needs or the reason behind their emotions. This can lead to confusion, miscommunication, and even arguments.

For individuals who have gone through emotional trauma, such as feeling abandoned, betrayed, or ignored, expressing their emotions can feel particularly difficult. Past experiences may make them feel like their emotions don’t matter or that speaking up isn’t safe. Without the right emotional vocabulary, they may feel overwhelmed, shut down, or unable to communicate clearly—especially during a disagreement. However, building a stronger emotional vocabulary helps individuals better understand their feelings and express them more clearly. By using more specific words to describe their emotions, people can communicate better with others, reduce misunderstandings, and prevent arguments from getting worse.

The Feelings Wheel: A Tool to Build Emotional Vocabulary

One great tool for building an emotional vocabulary is called the Feelings Wheel. The Feelings Wheel is a diagram that helps people find the right words for their emotions. It starts with six main emotions in the center—happy, sad, afraid, angry, surprised, and disgusted—and then each of these main emotions breaks down into more specific feelings, giving a clearer picture of what a person is experiencing.

For example, under “angry,” you might see words like “irritated,” “disappointed,” or “frustrated.” Under “sad,” you might find words like “lonely” or “grief-stricken.” The Feelings Wheel helps individuals get more specific about what they’re feeling, which is an important step in healing from emotional trauma. When someone has experienced emotional pain in the past, they may struggle to label their emotions, feeling overwhelmed or unable to express themselves. The Feelings Wheel can make it easier to pinpoint exactly how they feel, which in turn allows them to communicate more effectively.

For someone healing from emotional trauma, being able to accurately express their emotions is crucial. When individuals can go beyond vague labels like “angry” or “sad” and say, “I feel disrespected” or “I feel ignored,” they’re able to share more precisely what triggered their feelings and what they need from others. This specificity can reduce misunderstandings and help others respond in a more empathetic and supportive way, which is essential in creating and maintaining healthy relationships.

Furthermore, the Feelings Wheel supports emotional healing by encouraging self-awareness. Recognizing and labeling emotions is a powerful tool for gaining insight into oneself, especially after trauma. By understanding and articulating feelings more clearly, individuals can break the cycle of silence or miscommunication that often follows trauma, which builds trust and deeper emotional connections in relationships. Ultimately, using the Feelings Wheel not only helps people express themselves better but also strengthens their ability to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts, and foster emotional growth and healing. 

How to Use the Feelings Wheel During Disagreements

1. Pause and Reflect: When you're in the middle of a disagreement, emotions can get really intense. Instead of reacting right away, take a moment to stop and think about what you're feeling. It’s okay to take a deep breath and give yourself some space before continuing the conversation. Ask yourself, “What am I really feeling right now?” This pause can help you think more clearly.
   
   
2. Identify Your Emotions: Once you’ve taken a moment to reflect, look at the Feelings Wheel and choose the emotion that best describes how you feel. For example, you might think you’re “angry,” but when you dig deeper, you might realize you feel “hurt,” “disrespected,” or “ignored.” Being more specific will help you express your feelings in a way that your partner can better understand.
   
   
3. Understand What You Need: Our emotions often come from an unmet need. For example, if you feel “angry,” it might be because you feel “disrespected,” and what you need is “respect” or “to be listened to.” If you feel “hurt,” the need might be “comfort” or “understanding.” Once you know what emotion you're feeling, think about what need is behind that emotion. This helps you figure out what you need from your partner.
   
   
4. Express Your Needs Calmly: Now that you know what you're feeling and what you need, try to express yourself calmly. Instead of saying, “You’re always making me angry,” try saying, “I feel disrespected when you interrupt me, and what I need is for us to listen to each other more.” Using “I” statements—like “I feel” or “I need”—helps take the focus off blaming your partner and puts the focus on your own feelings.
   
   
5. Invite Your Partner to Share: After you’ve shared your feelings, invite your partner to share theirs. This can help both people understand each other better and move toward resolving the disagreement. Using the Feelings Wheel, both of you can identify and express your emotions in a more thoughtful way, which makes it easier to connect and work through the issue together.
   
   

The Benefits of Building Emotional Vocabulary

Building emotional vocabulary offers many benefits, especially when it comes to handling conflict. For individuals who have experienced emotional trauma, it can be both empowering and healing. By using more specific emotional words, people can avoid misunderstandings and clearly express their feelings, helping both partners understand each other better. Having a clearer emotional vocabulary also encourages less reactivity—when individuals can pause, reflect, and identify their emotions, they’re less likely to react impulsively or say something they might regret. This allows for calmer, more thoughtful conversations and helps prevent arguments from escalating. Additionally, understanding and naming emotions fosters better self-awareness, which enables people to identify their needs and navigate future disagreements with more confidence. Ultimately, emotional vocabulary strengthens relationships by encouraging honest, respectful communication, which builds trust and leads to deeper connections essential for long-lasting, healthy partnerships.

Conclusion

If you've experienced emotional trauma, learning to build your emotional vocabulary can be an important step toward healing. The Feelings Wheel is a simple yet powerful tool that can help you better understand and express your emotions. By using this tool during disagreements, you can communicate your needs more clearly, reduce conflict, and strengthen your relationships. Building your emotional vocabulary not only helps you express yourself more effectively, but it also helps create deeper connections, increase emotional resilience, and lead to healthier conversations with others.