Self-Compassion: How to Be Kinder to Yourself

by GGC clinician Michaela Zoppa 

Self-compassion is one of those things that sounds simple, but in practice, it can be a little tricky. We all know how important it is to be kind to others, but when it comes to being kind to ourselves, it’s easy to let that critical voice take over. If you've ever found yourself thinking, "I'm not good enough" or "I should have done better," you're not alone. Those critical thoughts are just one part of you, often trying to push you to do better. But what if you could respond to that part with a little kindness? Self-compassion can help you acknowledge those thoughts and treat yourself with the same care you’d show a friend.

What is Self-Compassion?

At its core, self-compassion is about treating yourself with gentleness, understanding, and patience when things don’t go the way you want. It’s the ability to offer yourself comfort in moments of struggle, rather than turning on yourself with harsh criticism and judgment. The term "self-compassion" was popularized by Dr. Kristin Neff, a researcher and psychologist, who described it as a way to relate to ourselves during tough times. The word "compassion" itself comes from the Latin compati, which means “to suffer with.” It’s about recognizing suffering—both in others and in ourselves—and responding with care and empathy. Self-compassion applies that same idea inward, encouraging us to treat ourselves with the same kindness we’d offer a friend when we’re struggling. 

Importantly, self-compassion isn’t about pretending everything is fine or forcing yourself to be positive—it’s not about dismissing your pain with a “just look on the bright side” mentality. And it’s definitely not minimizing or denying your feelings. Instead, it’s about acknowledging your struggles, recognizing that they are valid, and offering yourself warmth and understanding.

Some people confuse self-compassion with self-esteem or self-confidence, but they’re actually different concepts.

Self-esteem is how we value and perceive ourselves, often based on our achievements, abilities, and validation. 

Self-confidence is how we believe and trust in ourselves and our abilities. It’s more about our belief in our potential than our current state.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, is about how we treat ourselves when we’re struggling. It’s less about how we see ourselves and more about how we treat ourselves.

The Three Facets of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves three main components:

1. Self-Kindness: Treat yourself with warmth and understanding during tough times, as you would a loved one, instead of turning to harsh self-criticism.
2. Common Humanity: Recognizing suffering as a universal part of being human. Remembering that you’re not alone in your experiences helps ease feelings of isolation and encourages self-kindness.
3. Mindfulness: Mindfulness allows you to acknowledge and sit with your emotions without ignoring or overreacting to them. It’s about noticing pain without letting it define you—seeing a mistake as just a mistake, not a reflection of your worth.

Simple Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
You might be thinking, “This sounds great, but how do I actually do this?” Here are some practical ways to bring self-compassion into your daily life, including how to adjust your self-talk when things get tough:

• Talk to Yourself Like a Friend: When you’re feeling down or stressed, pause and think about how you’d talk to a friend going through the same thing. Would you criticize them, or would you encourage them? Chances are, you'd show empathy and understanding. Practice offering that same comfort to yourself. For example, if you’ve just made a mistake, instead of thinking, “I should’ve done better,” try, “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes. This doesn’t define me.”
• Take Care of Your Body: Self-compassion isn’t just about your thoughts. It’s also about how you treat your body. Make time for rest, eat nourishing foods, and move in ways that feel good. Your body is your home, and showing it care is a fundamental way to practice self-compassion.
• Acknowledge Your Struggles Without Over-Identifying: When you're going through something difficult, take a moment to recognize it without spiraling into negative self-talk. You might say, "I made a mistake and am having a tough day, but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure. It’s just part of being human.” This approach helps you hold space for your feelings without letting them define who you are.
• Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness exercises, like deep breathing or meditation, can help you connect with the present moment and calm your mind. These practices also make it easier to observe your thoughts without getting caught up in them, allowing you to offer yourself the space to be kind.
• Transforming Self-Talk: One of the most powerful ways to practice self-compassion is by changing how you speak to yourself. Imagine you’ve made a mistake or you’re struggling with a challenge. Instead of letting that inner critic take over, pause and take a deep breath. You might say to yourself:
• “It’s okay to feel frustrated, but that doesn’t mean I’m not doing my best.”
• “This is a hard moment, and it’s normal to feel upset.”
• “This is stressful, but other people feel this way, too. May I learn to forgive myself.”

Why Self-Compassion is Important

Self-compassion isn’t just a nice thing to do. It’s a crucial part of mental health. Research shows that people who practice self-compassion have lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. They’re more resilient in the face of challenges, more connected to others, and more likely to have positive relationships. When you’re kind to yourself, you’re better able to manage the ups and downs of life.

By practicing self-compassion, you give yourself permission to make mistakes. You allow space for growth, healing, and the recognition that you are worthy of kindness, no matter your struggles.

Final Thoughts

Self-compassion isn’t about giving up or just “looking on the bright side.” It’s a reminder that you are human, and that’s okay. By being kinder to yourself, you acknowledge all the different parts of you—those that feel pain, struggle, and self-doubt—while also nurturing the part that knows you are worthy. Remember that self-compassion takes practice. The next time you’re struggling, remember to pause, breathe, and offer yourself the same care you’d extend to someone you love.