Where Does My Anger Come From?

by GGC Clinical Intern, Jaclyn Moy

 Pretty much everyone has experienced a day when you want to snap at everyone and anyone who so much as looks at you the wrong way. You can’t understand why, but you’re just mad! The good news is that anger is a universal emotion, and we all feel it. However, the experience and expression of anger can sometimes be a lot more difficult and complex for us as women. 

Societal expectations

From a young age, girls are expected to be nice, to prioritize the feelings of others, or to “smile more!” The idea that women should always be caring, accommodating, and emotionally controlled is drilled into us - and unfortunately, anger doesn’t exactly fit into those expectations. As women, we learn that it’s not ok to express anger openly, so we try to wrestle our anger down beneath the surface. However, that anger doesn’t go away just because we try to shove it down. Over time, it starts to build up until we get to the point where we just can’t take it anymore.

This starts to show us the problem with emotional suppression. When we don’t express our emotions, they go unresolved and start to fester into a mess of anger and resentment, until we lash out at people even when we don’t want to. Suppressing emotions can lead to a buildup of stress, anxiety, and even physical symptoms like headaches! You can think of this buildup as a pressure cooker - as the events that upset you build up over time, they reach a point of such high tension that the slightest trigger can set you off in a massive burst of heat and steam. In that moment of explosion, what comes out is intense anger toward our partners, our friends, or our children. 

A mix of emotions

Behind anger can also be a host of other emotions that are getting lost in the midst of all that rage. In fact, anger is rarely an isolated emotion, but can be wrapped up with other emotions such as hurt, shame, anxiety, frustration, or jealousy. Maybe you feel hurt that your partner dismissed your concern about something, but instead of telling them how they hurt you, you start a fight. Maybe you feel ashamed that you messed up at work, so when your friend asks you how your day was, you snap at them. Although anger is what is expressed on the surface, underneath is a mix of other complex emotions. Identifying these different emotions is crucial to managing anger.

Managing anger

So how do we learn to manage anger? There are a few ways we can learn to start doing this!

1. Identify and acknowledge your feelings - As we’ve learned, suppressing anger is only a short term solution.  
2. Express feelings of anger - Once we recognize the existence of our anger, we can let it out in healthy ways such as journaling. 
3. Communicate anger to others - Anger is natural and normal to express to others! This can be done by learning assertive communication skills to appropriately express feelings to others.
4. Get connected with your body - Anger doesn’t happen solely in our heads, but expresses itself in our bodies as well. We can address the physical sensations of anger through calming techniques such as breathing exercises and polyvagal theory.
5. Find professional support! - Therapy can be a helpful space to process feelings of anger and build healthy coping mechanisms. 

Final thoughts

If you want to take steps to address your anger today, I would invite you to consider whether participating in individual therapy or group therapy would be helpful for you. If this topic strikes a chord with you, I recommend that you register for our upcoming Anger Management for Women group! In this group, we will explore your struggles with anger and learn effective coping skills in a therapeutic group setting to help you manage the impact of anger in your life.